Henry Youngman Quotes

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock this afternoon. Henry Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. Henry Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Henry Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henry Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in. Henry Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. Henry Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. Henry Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. Henry Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. Henry Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. Henry Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. Henry Youngman