Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Rita Rudner
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Rita Rudner
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Rita Rudner
If you never want to see a man again, say, ‘I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children’ – they leave skid marks. Rita Rudner
I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner
The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down. Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. Rita Rudner
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one. Rita Rudner
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother’s tasted better the day before. Rita Rudner
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner