If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. Joan Rivers
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’ Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Joan Rivers
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’ Joan Rivers
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know. Joan Rivers
She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. Joan Rivers