P J O’Rourke Quotes

The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations; they’re quarrels with borders. P J O’Rourke

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. P J O’Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P J O’Rourke

Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians. P J O’Rourke

Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked ‘What’s the big idea?’ knows, most big ideas are bad ones. P J O’Rourke

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. P J O’Rourke

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. P J O’Rourke

The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with green hair and three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. P J O’Rourke

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P J O’Rourke

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us. P J O’Rourke

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy. P J O’Rourke

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ‘learning experience’. Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ‘learning experience’. It makes me feel less stupid. P J O’Rourke

Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations. P J O’Rourke

One nice thing about the Third World, you don’t have to fasten your seat belt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lot off your mind when average life expectancy is forty-five minutes. P J O’Rourke

What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road. P J O’Rourke

Marijuana is…self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be? P J O’Rourke

Weird clothes are helpful to teens, making it easier for them to fend off sexual advances from older people. Certain types of older persons, with more aesthetics than good sense, are drawn to the beauty and vitality of teenagers. But on closer inspection, the older person will see that the teenagers have nose rings, tattoos, and are covered in vegetable dye, feathers, denim things, and that it isn’t easy to tell if they are girls or what, and he will leave them alone. P J O’Rourke

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P J O’Rourke

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.
P J O’Rourke

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. P J O’Rourke

Politics is very gruelling. But then politicians deserve it: they deserve to be gruelled. That’s the nice thing about picking on politicians: you never have to feel bad about doing it. P J O’Rourke. (Sunday Tel 13/11/2005)