Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely. Erma Bombeck
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. Erma Bombeck
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck
Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience.
Erma Bombeck
The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment’s anxiety, and was never a child. Erma Bombeck
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. Erma Bombeck