The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. Dave Barry
Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. Dave Barry
Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbour’s motorised garden tiller. If your neighbour does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one. Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Dave Barry
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath. Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base. Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. Dave Barry
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. Dave Barry
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, ‘people without lives.’ Dave Barry
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a ‘modem’, can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo. Dave Barry
Florida’s number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud. Dave Barry
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins. Dave Barry
According to a press release from the Laugh Lab, which is trying to find the world’s funniest joke, women don’t like jokes that involve aggression, sexuality, or offensiveness – also known as ‘the three building blocks of humor’. Dave Barry
I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. Dave Barry